You probably have seen this but for those who haven't it's pretty funny.
Which one are you?
The Craftsman – You roll with the guy for 5 minutes and get tapped 5 times. The guy is good but even he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing. He just sees something and tries for it because he knows the joint doesn’t bend that way. You’re learning moves together as he taps you out.
Mr. Goodwrench – This guy just tools you. Not for any negative reason, but just because he knows his stuff. If you go hard, he taps you for being over-aggressive, if you go light he taps you for not pressuring and thus giving up position. If you are in between he just controls you and sweeps or reverses you at will. When you look at him in disbelief he just looks at you like “What… did time run out?”
The Pretzel – Every move you’ve ever practiced becomes difficult because this guy can get into positions that would make a pretzel cringe.
The Risk Taker – This guy does such unexpected, often ridiculous stuff that ends up working because you weren’t expecting a back handspring guard pass or head stand to armbar from halfguard, etc.
The Mailman – This guy takes the same route for 2 years and gets caught in the same submissions or set-ups every time. He never changes his guard passing routes, and becomes totally predictable.
The “just got back from Rio” Guy – This guy is good, and since he just spent 6 months training his *** off in Rio he is super smooth. But he wants to make his home school into the place he trained in Rio. He shakes hands with everyone in the room before sitting down to stretch asking “tudo bem?” He answer’s his cell phone “fala”. He speaks in portuguese with the instructor when he talks about how to beat someone without wanting them to know it. He counts in Portuguese. If you want to get on his good side and get him to show you some cool s--- he learned down south, just ask him about his time in Rio, he will be more than happy to tell you about it. Everyone who goes to Brasil is guilty of this when they get back…
Pre -Excuse Guy – This guy has to tell you of every ailment, injury, pain, he has in his body, to not allow you to attack those areas. “Oh dude, my (insert body part) been hurting, so no (insert submission) today” Sometimes this guy goes into pre excuse emotional problems he has, and how it will affect his training. If he’s been really shitty on the mat lately, it?s because he broke up with his girl, and he’ll let you know about it, so you understand why he stinks.
The Laugher – This guy rolls with you and is constantly laughing at everything to make the roll so friendly that you won’t push any competition against him, or hurt him in anyway. You’re rolling and get by the wall, “Hahahaha…. dude we’re way too close to the wall, I didn’t want us to go through the wall….hahahaha…could u imagine, kaplosh!! Then we went through the wall and everyone would look and be like OH s--- THEY WENT THROUGH THE WALL..Hahahaha”
Your Best Friend (Talker) – This guy is very similar in his thinking, to the laugher. As soon as you start rolling, this guy wants to know what you did over the weekend, what you’ve been up to, how you’re great with the ladies, and your’re good at BJJ. Again this guy thinks being overly friendly prevents competition.
Drama Guy – This guy is somewhat tough, but as you push the rolling, sometimes your feet hit his head (incidental), or you go for a cross face, and everything you do is a HUGE injury to him. He constantly stops training to let you know that your finger almost touched his eye, and how he needs a 5 minute timeout, because it left him completely in a daze…he’s confused at where he’s at now. This guy I hate the most, because he literally kills training with all the drama he puts into every tiny incidental contact.
Practice Hero – This guy stinks, so you roll easy with him, and he’s convinced he can “come up” in the rankings by tapping you, so he’ll go wild out and try hit some crazy heel hook in an effort to get noticed in the class, and loved by the teacher. He trains balls out with zero technique….he wants to be noticed by the entire class
The Internet Forums Guy - This dude never trains but comes in every couple of weeks to let you know all the updated info he has on the MMA game, and how he knows so much more than you do, about what’s going on with rival teams in Brazil.
Dominic’s Apprentice – goes to class 4-5 days a week, works his *** off. But no matter how hard he tries he just doesn’t get any better. He’ll get caught in the exact same armbar 10 times a roll. He still can’t defend the triangle choke. And he gets mounted by everyone.
“Gotta Go” Guy – This guy always “has to go somewhere” at the exact moment when class shifts from technique/drills to rolling. “Yeah, I got a conference call in two hours…”
Reformed Gangster (Troublemaker) – This guy usually turns out in the long run to be the coolest, or the biggest douche bag in the short run. This guy covers all forms of troublemakers or gangsters. Each one of these guys comes in with a huge chip on their shoulder, and they get HUMBLED so quickly. After tapping them 6 ways to Sunday every rolling session, as the months go by (if they continue to train), they completely lose their hard gangster persona…. its funny to see the transition of some cholos to just a tough *** calm dude down the line….
The “Professor” – rolls around like any other guy and can have any skill-level but when you finally get his back and struggle to choke the s--- outa him he goes wait, you’ve got wrong mechanics… wait you gotta do like this.. More like that etc. He lets you understand that he didn’t get caught and he’s not about to get the s--- choked out of him, in fact he’s just in the process of showing you how to choke.
The All Hat No Cattle Guy – Has every PRIDE and UFC on tape, has every BJJ book ever published, every BJJ instructional video/DVD ever produced, has a wide range of gis to choose from, has at least 10,000 posts on the UG, can recite the contents of bjj.org from memory, and sucks at BJJ; will be awarded a blue belt in about ten years out of pity.
The ‘Good Move’ Guy – He’s similar to the instructor, in that he can’t accept tapping. So if you are transitioning to a triangle choke, and he’s kind of sunk, but before you fully finish the hold, he’ll tap and give it to you. This guy always taps on the transition to a move, not the move itself, and says “Good Move ” like he let you catch him….and considering he didn’t tap when you completely had the choke sunk in, you didn’t really beat him.
The ‘Let’s Go Light’ Guy – Guy who then proceeds to decapitate you and tear you limb from limp with neck cranks and head squeezes
The Gasser – Goes all out for 30 secs and blows his wad. Then taps when u get a dominant position
The ‘this is my first lesson’ Guy – which translates to ‘this is my first lesson here’ but I was an NCAA div 1 wrestling champ and trained in Brazil for a few years
The Spy – This guy comes in one day, is very friendly, seems to know a lot about BJJ scene and says he’s from out of town. He rolls and blends in with the students, seems like a very promising prospect for the club. Result: You never see him again after the first class and months later when browsing a competition’s website you see the mother****er in their seminar photos being one of their “regulars”.
The Farting Machine Guy – Guy that always farts every single time he rolls. Knee on stomach…. FART! Mount…. FART! Try to push out of his guard…. FART! Even in north/south…. FART! In your face! FART! FART! FART! Nothing like an ***-in-your-face stink sub.
The Shadow Boxer – The guy who has some striking martial art experience (usually a TMAer who can’t accept the fact that his black belt is being rendered useless by these 150-lb. guys who tap him relentlessly) and decides to feign it in BJJ class. While rolling, will throw fake shots, to simulate a Vale Tudo match. Convinced that a punch will change the pace of the match from anywhere, in the clinch, from his guard, while mounted by someone much better. Usually, this specimen’s actions can be halted with a quick leg grab/take down while he is throwing a knee from the clinch.
Takada Guy – His one goal is to not tap under any circumstances, considering that lasting is almost like winning. This guy mounts no offence at all and concentrates exclusively on tucking in all his extremities and ‘nullifying’ your game. After a round of wasting your time and his, will give you the “you couldn’t tap me, so we’re about even in skill” look and gasp his way to the sidelines to sit the next roll out.
‘One Move Wonder’ Guy – This is the guy who manages to get really good at one position/submission and only goes for that one particular move. While somewhat impressive in the beginning, this is the eternal blue belt that dominates the beginners but never develops the rest of his game. Normally seen with a bronze or silver medal at the local tourneys.
The Former Star Guy – This guy used to be one of the best in the class, able to do anything to anyone whenever he wanted. Stops training for a while, comes back and gets all disappointed that other people have actually improved and gotten better than him since he left. Usually decides to train hard for a week or two to regain his position, but gets frustrated quickly when he doesn’t immediately become godlike. Very often decides to write a book about grappling or discuss game plans with others instead of actually practicing or rolling.
The “Getting Serious Again” Guy – is my favorite. He has been training for as long as you can remember. He comes to class after being out for a while and always says the same thing..”Man, I (insert excuse like injury, wife or g-friend, kids, work, car trouble, finances), but I’m back for good now, you’ll see me here everyday!” and then he again disappears after like 2 weeks of training. 3 or 4 months down the road…repeat above sequence.
“Just wanted to let you know I’ll be back Tuesday” Guy – The guy who you never ever see but calls you or e-mails you every month to tell you he’ll be there “Tuesday”.
The a--hole – First day for any whitebelt, the a--hole will try to heelhook them, neck crank them, or otherwise grind the s--- out of them just to feel an ounce of power. Since the a--hole won’t train with any serious challenges, however, the whitebelt will eventually surpass him, and the a--hole will mysteriously disappear from class.
The Future Champ – He is pure Bigger wanna-be carioca, knows the names of every BJJ champ and the latest gossip from the UG. He talks about being Mundial champion from whitebelt, yearns to move to Brazil to train, is always looking to do another seminar or private with a Brazilian, and yet does not attend class regularly, always has an injury or excuse when it’s time to compete, wants to drill rather than spar, and talk rather than drill.
The De-Man-izer – This is the small person (often a girl) who will single out the biggest, highest ranking male she can find, then fling her tiny body at him and proceed to beat him down and tap him within an inch of his life. Often, her victims will lose all testicular fortitude, cry, and quit the sport for life…
The Tough-Ole-Bastid – This is the guy who started later in life but despite his age, he is tougher than 90% of the twenty-something’s. He can get kneed in the head, kicked in the groin, or have his arm near torn off, and barely grimace as he continues to grapple (often against someone a lot bigger).
The Tougher-Older-Bastider – This is the guy who started even later in life and despite a host of injuries, does 1hr of circuit training before class, grapples all the good/big folks in class despite being injured, and then bikes the 20 miles home telling everyone he’ll see them tomorrow for morning class.
The Codger – This is also an old dude who just does it for fun. Against new people, he trash talks–”Can you feel the armbar coming? Can you feel it?” Against better people, he still trash talks “Missed that choke? Something not go as planned?!”
The Bleeder – This guy got a mat burn the first time he rolled and has been knocking off the scab every time since.
The Can you Show that Again Guy – This guy never has a good enough angle when the instructor demonstrates the move. Once the drilling begins, he usually has to watch the people next to him do the move at least two or three times before attempting it himself. He sometimes resorts to calling the instructor over and asking a question before he even attempts the move.
The Overly Humble Guy – This dude is a really good bjj guy but he’s humble, and scared as hell . This guy will tap you at times, then immediately talk about how he sucks, and you’re so much better and it was pure luck….to get over that initial awkward feeling between you two, when you just tapped to him.
The Take Every Advantage Guy – This Guy can always be found taking any advantage he can get while rolling. If starting on knees, he’ll stand up to get leverage. He’ll accidentally rip one of your fingers back to break your grip. He’ll poke you in your butt to get you to stop from going for that leglock. When you finally get him in a bad position, he’ll ask you stop for a minute “because we are too close to the wall,” and then he’ll want to restart back on the knees. This Guy acts this way because he treats every training session as the Finals of the Pride Grand Prix.
The Lazy Possum – This guy has some skills but he fights really lazy and defensively most of the time and you think you have his number. But on occasion when there’s an audience or some chick watching he decides to bring his A game and you’re in a world of surprise, the guy suddenly becomes Marcelo Garcia on the mats.
Which one are you?
The Craftsman – You roll with the guy for 5 minutes and get tapped 5 times. The guy is good but even he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing. He just sees something and tries for it because he knows the joint doesn’t bend that way. You’re learning moves together as he taps you out.
Mr. Goodwrench – This guy just tools you. Not for any negative reason, but just because he knows his stuff. If you go hard, he taps you for being over-aggressive, if you go light he taps you for not pressuring and thus giving up position. If you are in between he just controls you and sweeps or reverses you at will. When you look at him in disbelief he just looks at you like “What… did time run out?”
The Pretzel – Every move you’ve ever practiced becomes difficult because this guy can get into positions that would make a pretzel cringe.
The Risk Taker – This guy does such unexpected, often ridiculous stuff that ends up working because you weren’t expecting a back handspring guard pass or head stand to armbar from halfguard, etc.
The Mailman – This guy takes the same route for 2 years and gets caught in the same submissions or set-ups every time. He never changes his guard passing routes, and becomes totally predictable.
The “just got back from Rio” Guy – This guy is good, and since he just spent 6 months training his *** off in Rio he is super smooth. But he wants to make his home school into the place he trained in Rio. He shakes hands with everyone in the room before sitting down to stretch asking “tudo bem?” He answer’s his cell phone “fala”. He speaks in portuguese with the instructor when he talks about how to beat someone without wanting them to know it. He counts in Portuguese. If you want to get on his good side and get him to show you some cool s--- he learned down south, just ask him about his time in Rio, he will be more than happy to tell you about it. Everyone who goes to Brasil is guilty of this when they get back…
Pre -Excuse Guy – This guy has to tell you of every ailment, injury, pain, he has in his body, to not allow you to attack those areas. “Oh dude, my (insert body part) been hurting, so no (insert submission) today” Sometimes this guy goes into pre excuse emotional problems he has, and how it will affect his training. If he’s been really shitty on the mat lately, it?s because he broke up with his girl, and he’ll let you know about it, so you understand why he stinks.
The Laugher – This guy rolls with you and is constantly laughing at everything to make the roll so friendly that you won’t push any competition against him, or hurt him in anyway. You’re rolling and get by the wall, “Hahahaha…. dude we’re way too close to the wall, I didn’t want us to go through the wall….hahahaha…could u imagine, kaplosh!! Then we went through the wall and everyone would look and be like OH s--- THEY WENT THROUGH THE WALL..Hahahaha”
Your Best Friend (Talker) – This guy is very similar in his thinking, to the laugher. As soon as you start rolling, this guy wants to know what you did over the weekend, what you’ve been up to, how you’re great with the ladies, and your’re good at BJJ. Again this guy thinks being overly friendly prevents competition.
Drama Guy – This guy is somewhat tough, but as you push the rolling, sometimes your feet hit his head (incidental), or you go for a cross face, and everything you do is a HUGE injury to him. He constantly stops training to let you know that your finger almost touched his eye, and how he needs a 5 minute timeout, because it left him completely in a daze…he’s confused at where he’s at now. This guy I hate the most, because he literally kills training with all the drama he puts into every tiny incidental contact.
Practice Hero – This guy stinks, so you roll easy with him, and he’s convinced he can “come up” in the rankings by tapping you, so he’ll go wild out and try hit some crazy heel hook in an effort to get noticed in the class, and loved by the teacher. He trains balls out with zero technique….he wants to be noticed by the entire class
The Internet Forums Guy - This dude never trains but comes in every couple of weeks to let you know all the updated info he has on the MMA game, and how he knows so much more than you do, about what’s going on with rival teams in Brazil.
Dominic’s Apprentice – goes to class 4-5 days a week, works his *** off. But no matter how hard he tries he just doesn’t get any better. He’ll get caught in the exact same armbar 10 times a roll. He still can’t defend the triangle choke. And he gets mounted by everyone.
“Gotta Go” Guy – This guy always “has to go somewhere” at the exact moment when class shifts from technique/drills to rolling. “Yeah, I got a conference call in two hours…”
Reformed Gangster (Troublemaker) – This guy usually turns out in the long run to be the coolest, or the biggest douche bag in the short run. This guy covers all forms of troublemakers or gangsters. Each one of these guys comes in with a huge chip on their shoulder, and they get HUMBLED so quickly. After tapping them 6 ways to Sunday every rolling session, as the months go by (if they continue to train), they completely lose their hard gangster persona…. its funny to see the transition of some cholos to just a tough *** calm dude down the line….
The “Professor” – rolls around like any other guy and can have any skill-level but when you finally get his back and struggle to choke the s--- outa him he goes wait, you’ve got wrong mechanics… wait you gotta do like this.. More like that etc. He lets you understand that he didn’t get caught and he’s not about to get the s--- choked out of him, in fact he’s just in the process of showing you how to choke.
The All Hat No Cattle Guy – Has every PRIDE and UFC on tape, has every BJJ book ever published, every BJJ instructional video/DVD ever produced, has a wide range of gis to choose from, has at least 10,000 posts on the UG, can recite the contents of bjj.org from memory, and sucks at BJJ; will be awarded a blue belt in about ten years out of pity.
The ‘Good Move’ Guy – He’s similar to the instructor, in that he can’t accept tapping. So if you are transitioning to a triangle choke, and he’s kind of sunk, but before you fully finish the hold, he’ll tap and give it to you. This guy always taps on the transition to a move, not the move itself, and says “Good Move ” like he let you catch him….and considering he didn’t tap when you completely had the choke sunk in, you didn’t really beat him.
The ‘Let’s Go Light’ Guy – Guy who then proceeds to decapitate you and tear you limb from limp with neck cranks and head squeezes
The Gasser – Goes all out for 30 secs and blows his wad. Then taps when u get a dominant position
The ‘this is my first lesson’ Guy – which translates to ‘this is my first lesson here’ but I was an NCAA div 1 wrestling champ and trained in Brazil for a few years
The Spy – This guy comes in one day, is very friendly, seems to know a lot about BJJ scene and says he’s from out of town. He rolls and blends in with the students, seems like a very promising prospect for the club. Result: You never see him again after the first class and months later when browsing a competition’s website you see the mother****er in their seminar photos being one of their “regulars”.
The Farting Machine Guy – Guy that always farts every single time he rolls. Knee on stomach…. FART! Mount…. FART! Try to push out of his guard…. FART! Even in north/south…. FART! In your face! FART! FART! FART! Nothing like an ***-in-your-face stink sub.
The Shadow Boxer – The guy who has some striking martial art experience (usually a TMAer who can’t accept the fact that his black belt is being rendered useless by these 150-lb. guys who tap him relentlessly) and decides to feign it in BJJ class. While rolling, will throw fake shots, to simulate a Vale Tudo match. Convinced that a punch will change the pace of the match from anywhere, in the clinch, from his guard, while mounted by someone much better. Usually, this specimen’s actions can be halted with a quick leg grab/take down while he is throwing a knee from the clinch.
Takada Guy – His one goal is to not tap under any circumstances, considering that lasting is almost like winning. This guy mounts no offence at all and concentrates exclusively on tucking in all his extremities and ‘nullifying’ your game. After a round of wasting your time and his, will give you the “you couldn’t tap me, so we’re about even in skill” look and gasp his way to the sidelines to sit the next roll out.
‘One Move Wonder’ Guy – This is the guy who manages to get really good at one position/submission and only goes for that one particular move. While somewhat impressive in the beginning, this is the eternal blue belt that dominates the beginners but never develops the rest of his game. Normally seen with a bronze or silver medal at the local tourneys.
The Former Star Guy – This guy used to be one of the best in the class, able to do anything to anyone whenever he wanted. Stops training for a while, comes back and gets all disappointed that other people have actually improved and gotten better than him since he left. Usually decides to train hard for a week or two to regain his position, but gets frustrated quickly when he doesn’t immediately become godlike. Very often decides to write a book about grappling or discuss game plans with others instead of actually practicing or rolling.
The “Getting Serious Again” Guy – is my favorite. He has been training for as long as you can remember. He comes to class after being out for a while and always says the same thing..”Man, I (insert excuse like injury, wife or g-friend, kids, work, car trouble, finances), but I’m back for good now, you’ll see me here everyday!” and then he again disappears after like 2 weeks of training. 3 or 4 months down the road…repeat above sequence.
“Just wanted to let you know I’ll be back Tuesday” Guy – The guy who you never ever see but calls you or e-mails you every month to tell you he’ll be there “Tuesday”.
The a--hole – First day for any whitebelt, the a--hole will try to heelhook them, neck crank them, or otherwise grind the s--- out of them just to feel an ounce of power. Since the a--hole won’t train with any serious challenges, however, the whitebelt will eventually surpass him, and the a--hole will mysteriously disappear from class.
The Future Champ – He is pure Bigger wanna-be carioca, knows the names of every BJJ champ and the latest gossip from the UG. He talks about being Mundial champion from whitebelt, yearns to move to Brazil to train, is always looking to do another seminar or private with a Brazilian, and yet does not attend class regularly, always has an injury or excuse when it’s time to compete, wants to drill rather than spar, and talk rather than drill.
The De-Man-izer – This is the small person (often a girl) who will single out the biggest, highest ranking male she can find, then fling her tiny body at him and proceed to beat him down and tap him within an inch of his life. Often, her victims will lose all testicular fortitude, cry, and quit the sport for life…
The Tough-Ole-Bastid – This is the guy who started later in life but despite his age, he is tougher than 90% of the twenty-something’s. He can get kneed in the head, kicked in the groin, or have his arm near torn off, and barely grimace as he continues to grapple (often against someone a lot bigger).
The Tougher-Older-Bastider – This is the guy who started even later in life and despite a host of injuries, does 1hr of circuit training before class, grapples all the good/big folks in class despite being injured, and then bikes the 20 miles home telling everyone he’ll see them tomorrow for morning class.
The Codger – This is also an old dude who just does it for fun. Against new people, he trash talks–”Can you feel the armbar coming? Can you feel it?” Against better people, he still trash talks “Missed that choke? Something not go as planned?!”
The Bleeder – This guy got a mat burn the first time he rolled and has been knocking off the scab every time since.
The Can you Show that Again Guy – This guy never has a good enough angle when the instructor demonstrates the move. Once the drilling begins, he usually has to watch the people next to him do the move at least two or three times before attempting it himself. He sometimes resorts to calling the instructor over and asking a question before he even attempts the move.
The Overly Humble Guy – This dude is a really good bjj guy but he’s humble, and scared as hell . This guy will tap you at times, then immediately talk about how he sucks, and you’re so much better and it was pure luck….to get over that initial awkward feeling between you two, when you just tapped to him.
The Take Every Advantage Guy – This Guy can always be found taking any advantage he can get while rolling. If starting on knees, he’ll stand up to get leverage. He’ll accidentally rip one of your fingers back to break your grip. He’ll poke you in your butt to get you to stop from going for that leglock. When you finally get him in a bad position, he’ll ask you stop for a minute “because we are too close to the wall,” and then he’ll want to restart back on the knees. This Guy acts this way because he treats every training session as the Finals of the Pride Grand Prix.
The Lazy Possum – This guy has some skills but he fights really lazy and defensively most of the time and you think you have his number. But on occasion when there’s an audience or some chick watching he decides to bring his A game and you’re in a world of surprise, the guy suddenly becomes Marcelo Garcia on the mats.
